Kyle Katarn Facts

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

I don't like kyle either (looks backwards, fearing for my life) but i like making jokes.

 

That's the spirit!

 

Nobody is flaming anybody--how did you arrive at that conclusion? Do you even know what the word means?

 

Well look, pure question, if you don't like Kyle Katarn or Chuck Norris jokes, why are you posting in a thread for which the entire purpose of its existence is for making jokes that elevate Kyle Katarn to Chuck Norris status?

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Kyle laughed at Luke's plan with the tow-cables. He could have defeated the AT-AT's on Hoth by throwing snowballs at them.

 

Fact: Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice...

 

Kyle Katarn invented infinity...three times.

[Jaiden Korr 1]

Will Kyle Katarn appear in the Star Wars Episode 7: The Hidden Circle? or Star Wars Episodes 7, 8 amd 9?

 

George Lucas can start a nice casting for Kyle Katarn. I would like to see Episode 7 on 2013 which is 30 years after the Star Wars Episode 6 release of Return of the Jedi in 1983. I think that now in 2011 is the best time to start filming Star Wars Episode 7: the Hidden Circle with Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher just as older as they are now.

 

[Guest HK-47]

Will Kyle Katarn appear in the Star Wars Episode 7: The Hidden Circle? or Star Wars Episodes 7, 8 amd 9?

 

George Lucas can start a nice casting for Kyle Katarn. I would like to see Episode 7 on 2013 which is 30 years after the Star Wars Episode 6 release of Return of the Jedi in 1983. I think that now in 2011 is the best time to start filming Star Wars Episode 7: the Hidden Circle with Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher just as older as they are now.

 

 

Answer: There never will be an Episode 7,8,9.

 

Fact: Kyle was originally the hero of the Star Wars movies, until George Lucas realized that with Kyle as the hero, the 6-film saga would be over in half an hour. Forty-five minutes if he stopped to re-load. So to make him the hero of three movies would make that 15 minuets long, a half hour if he stopped to re-load.

[Guest We are called Legion...]

After reviewing this forum we feel it is our duty to inform you that there is a far greater being in the galaxy than your Katarn Kyle (On another note, we hypothesize that Katarn Kyle may in fact be Norris Chuck. Several runtimes are currently debating this hypothesis, and we will announce our conclusion once we have reached a consensus.) That greater being is Vakarian Garrus. An extranet link too many facts about him can be found here. Below we have listed those we think organics will find the most humorous (and were the least confusing for us). We have also taken the liberty to translate many significant figures into equivalent figures found in your universe:

 

The “Sith Empire” isn’t hiding in the Unknown Regions. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy

 

Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.

 

Garrus Vakarian doesn't need “The Force”; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.

 

If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.

 

When “Malak” learned “Revan” was after him, he scoffed. When he learned Garrus Vakarian was with him, he sat in the corner of his shower and cried for 3 hours.

 

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Garrus Vakarian could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 

God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.

 

Garrus Vakarian once won ‘Connect 4’ in 3 moves.

 

Once, just for fun, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Garrus Vakarian headshot. The resulting explosion actually went back in time and wiped out all galactic civilization which allowed the “Rakatans” to rise up as the lone galactic power.

 

Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.

 

Garrus Vakarian calibrated the “Death Star laser”

 

Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.

 

Garrus can access Wii channels on his PS3 through Xbox Live.

 

Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.

 

Chuck Norris gets his power through his beard. If you shave his beard, he is powerless. Garrus Vakarian does not have a beard and therefore has no weakness. Thus Garrus Vakarian is greater than Chuck Norris.

 

Addendum: We apologize to any and all organics and non-organics on these extranet forums if we have offended you. We did not intentionally infiltrate these forums.

We mearly felt it was necessary to inform you of other great beings in the universe, especially those that are greater than your Katarn Kyle.

 

We will now return this forum to its original purpose:

 

Conclusion: Katarn Kyle Kyle Katarn is Norris Chuck Chuck Norris

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

 

The “Sith Empire” isn’t hiding in the Unknown Regions. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy

 

Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.

 

 

God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.

 

 

Once, just for fun, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Garrus Vakarian headshot. The resulting explosion actually went back in time and wiped out all galactic civilization which allowed the “Rakatans” to rise up as the lone galactic power.

 

Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.

 

Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.

 

Garrus can access Wii channels on his PS3 through Xbox Live.

 

Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.

 

Chuck Norris gets his power through his beard. If you shave his beard, he is powerless. Garrus Vakarian does not have a beard and therefore has no weakness. Thus Garrus Vakarian is greater than Chuck Norris.

 

We mearly felt it was necessary to inform you of other great beings in the universe, especially those that are greater than your Katarn Kyle.

 

Garrus is a badass. Seriously, he was in my party practically the whole game.

[Guest HaVoKeR]

what game? dont know this garrus (look everywhere, fearing for my head) is there a youtube vid or something?

[jjo 2]

what game? dont know this garrus (look everywhere, fearing for my head) is there a youtube vid or something?

 

Mass Effect.

[Guest We are called Legion...]

what game? dont know this garrus (look everywhere, fearing for my head) is there a youtube vid or something?

 

Garrus would not shoot someone simply because they do not know who he is, you have nothing to fear.

 

Addendum: We have analyzed several anomalies within the Star Wars universe and have reached the consensus that Vakarian Garrus was responsible for them.

 

For example:

 

Darth Malak lost his jaw after being headbutted by Garrus. Only Malak's height prevented the blow from being fatal.

 

Darth Sion recieved all of his wounds from a single battle with Garrus Vakarian. Garrus let him "live" because Sion "wasn't worth his time".

 

Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Mass Shadow Generator (Which is why it still works several years after the battle).

 

At the Battle of Malachor V, Garrus asked the Exile if he could get a headshot on the planet instead of activating the Mass Shadow Geneerator (which he just calibrated). The Exile said no. Garrus stormed out flipping off the Exile as he left. This is why the Exile lost her connection to the Force.

 

Sion let the Exile kill him because he did not want to face the wrath of Garrus Vakarian.

 

Garrus and HK-47 made a bet to see who could get the most headshots. The loser had to mimic the speach patterns of an elchor (adding an emotive statement to the beginning of every scentence) for the rest of their lives.

 

Garrus Vakarian was on Alderan when the Death Star blew it up. He later complained that it felt too drafty.

 

Returning to primary topic:

We have reached the consensus that Katarn Kyle is the apprentice of Vakarian Garrus.

[Guest HK-47]

Garrus would not shoot someone simply because they do not know who he is, you have nothing to fear.

 

Addendum: We have analyzed several anomalies within the Star Wars universe and have reached the consensus that Vakarian Garrus was responsible for them.

 

For example:

 

Darth Malak lost his jaw after being headbutted by Garrus. Only Malak's height prevented the blow from being fatal.

 

Darth Sion recieved all of his wounds from a single battle with Garrus Vakarian. Garrus let him "live" because Sion "wasn't worth his time".

 

Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Mass Shadow Generator (Which is why it still works several years after the battle).

 

At the Battle of Malachor V, Garrus asked the Exile if he could get a headshot on the planet instead of activating the Mass Shadow Geneerator (which he just calibrated). The Exile said no. Garrus stormed out flipping off the Exile as he left. This is why the Exile lost her connection to the Force.

 

Sion let the Exile kill him because he did not want to face the wrath of Garrus Vakarian.

 

Garrus and HK-47 made a bet to see who could get the most headshots. The loser had to mimic the speach patterns of an elchor (adding an emotive statement to the beginning of every scentence) for the rest of their lives.

 

Garrus Vakarian was on Alderan when the Death Star blew it up. He later complained that it felt too drafty.

 

Returning to primary topic:

We have reached the consensus that Katarn Kyle is the apprentice of Vakarian Garrus.

Statement: Sorry to be the one to put a kink in your enjoyment, but, I don't care. This isn't about whether Kyle is actually B.A. or not. I respect your liking of this person, but this is strictly a Star Wars thread dedicated to Kyle and his great many accomplishments that go beyond game, most untrue, but involving canon events. I kindly request that such things that are unrelated to be kept out of here. Thanks.

 

Fact: Kyle doesn't use the Force. Kyle IS the Force. Garrus doesn't have The Beard or the Sweet Hat.

 

Fact: Malak Lost his jaw to Kyle after Malak grew a beard and said it was better than Kyle's. No one's beard is better than Kyle's.

[Guest We are called Legion...]

We did not intend to cause any offense to any member of this forum. We apologize for our error and will no longer post such information.

 

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn slams revolving doors so hard that they turn into regular doors.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn is the reason the Sith are always hiding.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Most people would need decades of training and meditation to achieve mastery of The Force. Kyle Katarn needed a used lightsaber. He didn't even need a change of clothes.

[Guest HK-47]

We did not intend to cause any offense to any member of this forum. We apologize for our error and will no longer post such information.

 

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn slams revolving doors so hard that they turn into regular doors.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn is the reason the Sith are always hiding.

 

Statement: It is alright. I tend to come across a bit harsh sometimes. Though it is the offense of Kyle you should fear.

 

Example: Here's why: Kyle Katarn was talking with a man once. The man told him that he'd heard that C-3PO was fluent in over six million forms of communication. Kyle replied, "Screw that, I'm fluent in over six billion forms of death."

 

The man later mentioned that to a buddy, who replied, "No way!"

 

Kyle immediately burst through the nearest brick wall and proved that there was, in fact, a way, demonstrating all six billion forms of death. On the buddy. At once.

 

 

Never doubt Kyle Katarn.

[Guest We are called Legion...]

In previous statements, we were operating under the false pretense that Katarn Kyle is actually Norris Chuck (and vice versa). However, after many recent findings, we have reached a new consensus:

 

Norris Chuck receieves his power from his beard. There was once a time when Norris Chuck did not have a beard and thus did not have power.

 

There has never been a time when Katarn Kyle did not have a beard, even from birth, and thus Katarn Kyle has always had power.

Even if Katarn Kyle did not have his beard, he would still have the force, which is almost as powerful as Katarn Kyle's beard(we have yet to build a consensus which is more powerful: The Beard or The Force?)

We have also concluded that it would be impossible to shave Katarn Kyle's beard, as he would kill anyone who tries.

 

Therefore, we have reached the consensus that Katarn Kyle is a superior being to both Norris Chuck and Vakarian Garrus. He is not a human, he is a god!

(upon reporting our findings to our collective, several Katarn Kyle religions formed immediately )

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn does not have a recycle bin on his computer. When he deletes files, they are deleted forever!

 

Fact: The Death Stars primary laser never worked in Episode IV, Kyle Katarn's awesomeness destroyed Alderaan when he landed there

Fact: Kyle Katarn survived the destruction of Alderan

[Guest HK-47]

In previous statements, we were operating under the false pretense that Katarn Kyle is actually Norris Chuck (and vice versa). However, after many recent findings, we have reached a new consensus:

 

Norris Chuck recieves his power from his beard. There was once a time when Norris Chuck did not have a beard and thus did not have power.

 

There has never been a time when Katarn Kyle did not have a beard, even from birth, and thus Katarn Kyle has always had power.

Even if Katarn Kyle did not have his beard, he would still have the force, which is almost as powerful as Katarn Kyle's beard(we have yet to build a consensus which is more poewrful: The Beard or The Force?)

 

Query: And whom do you think gave Norris The Beard?

 

Answer: In answer to your query about which is more powerful, The Beard or The Force, your answer lies in these statements:

 

Kyle Katarn doesn't listen to the will of the Force. The will of the Force listens to Kyle Katarn.

 

Kyle Katarn donated all his midichlorians to all the other Jedi to make the fight less boring.

 

According to Vergere the most shameful secret that the Jedi have is that there is no Force without Kyle Katarn.

 

There is no dark side. The Force takes no sides except of course Kyle Katarn's.

 

“In the beginning, there was the Beard, and the Beard was with George and the Beard was George. It was in the beginning with George. All things came into being through it, and without it not one thing came into being. What has come into being in it is the ultimate being, and the ultimate being is Kyle Katarn.” – From The Bryar Pistol according to Jon Antilles

 

Observation: Ah. Your findings about Alderaan's destruction is located here: Kyle Katarn is so tough that when he jumped from Coruscat to Alderaan it couldn't take the pressure and exploded.

[MrPhil 58]

Nobody is flaming anybody--how did you arrive at that conclusion? Do you even know what the word means?

 

 

Well look, pure question, if you don't like Kyle Katarn or Chuck Norris jokes, why are you posting in a thread for which the entire purpose of its existence is for making jokes that elevate Kyle Katarn to Chuck Norris status?

 

Just what he said. And yup, I know what flaming means. No need for insinuation there, re-read what you wrote if you doubt the feeling your words implied...

 

Hey guys, it seems to me like it was the Katarn thread. I love Garrus just as everybody here, but it seems we just about run out of Katar jokes

[Guest HK-47]

Hey guys, it seems to me like it was the Katarn thread. I love Garrus just as everybody here, but it seems we just about run out of Katar jokes

 

Statement: I can't say that I love Garrus or even know him as I've never played masseffect.

 

Clarification: I did say it was "Strictly a Star Wars thread" when I should have said "It's strictly a Kyle Katarn is the B.A. thread". If you think of anything that you can take from another universe and impliment Kyle into it making him the B.A. or the cause of someone being B.A. (Eg. K'kruhk's hat making Kyle more powerful, or Waru being Kyle's booger), it's acceptable.

 

Apology: Sorry for the confusion.

 

Worried Warning: We had better find more Katarn jokes or suffer the wrath of The Bearded One.

 

Fact: A former System's Alliance general adopted Kyle Katarn's first name. Almost instantaneously, a cult sprang up around him and he was referred to as "Father Kyle" by his powerful biotic followers. His failure to grow a beard, however, resulted in his defeat at the hands of Commander Shepard.

 

Fact: The Galactic Alliance has plans for the Kyle Katarn-class Super-Star Destroyer. It will carry and launch other Star Destroyers, and literally destroy stars.

 

Fact: Luke has yet to be the awesome bad@$$ grandmaster we want him to be because Kyle Katarn has yet to give him the gift of beard.

 

Fact: The Star Forge in KOTOR was actually invented by the Rakatans to create enough ships so that Kyle Katarn could be overwhelmed by sheer force of numbers. The Rakatans were obviously wrong. The Rakatans are also extinct now. Coincidence?

 

Fact: There a billions of places in a huge galaxy to hide from Kyle Katarn. Kyle's not going to waste his time looking in billions of places. If he wants to find you, he will look in one place and one place only, and that will be the place that you are hiding in.

 

Fact: When K'Kruhk put on the freakin' sweet hat, he became immortal, as in, unable to be killed or die in any way, shape, or form. Or so he thought. Then Kyle was born. Kyle is the only being who can kill The Bearer Of The Hat. And, if Kyle sweated, which he doesn't, he wouldn't break a sweat doing it.

 

Fact: After meeting Darth Caedus in a lightsaber duel, Kyle Katarn became so bored that he decided to lay down and take a nap. If some red-headed padawan hadn't dragged his sleeping body away, the war would be over.

 

Fact: Waru is actually a ball of snot that was shot from Kyle Katarn's nostrils in order to win the Galactic snot shot contest.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn gave Cloud Strife the idea for the shoulderpad and thus was the reason Sephiroth was defeated.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Legend has it that when the Infinite Empire tried to take over Tatooine, the natives, who were technologically advanced, defied them. The result was bombardment and utter destruction of the planet by the Infinite Empire. This is but a lie to try and make the Infinite Empire look fearsome. The truth is, however, that Kyle needed a decent place to dry off after bathing on Manaan or Kamino and then get a decent tan.

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

Fact: Kyle Katarn knew that a fourth Indiana Jones was a bad idea.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: The reason Indiana survived the nuke was not because of a Lead lined refrigerator. It was because he donned a small portion of The Beard given to him by Kyle. We know it was Kyle because the Whip and Pistol mirror that of the Saber and Bryar.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Kyle Katarn is so tough he takes out bounties on himself for fun. Kyle Katarn accepted one of those bounties and still hasn't been able catch himself.

[Guest Plastic]

After reviewing this forum we feel it is our duty to inform you that there is a far greater being in the galaxy than your Katarn Kyle (On another note, we hypothesize that Katarn Kyle may in fact be Norris Chuck. Several runtimes are currently debating this hypothesis, and we will announce our conclusion once we have reached a consensus.) That greater being is Vakarian Garrus. An extranet link too many facts about him can be found here. Below we have listed those we think organics will find the most humorous (and were the least confusing for us). We have also taken the liberty to translate many significant figures into equivalent figures found in your universe:

 

Ha!Ha! Garrus must be the third person in this fact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Fact: Chuck Norris exists in three universes: In ours he's known as Chuck Norris, in the Star Wars universe he's known as Kyle Katarn, and in the third, he's not known: He's destroyed all life there.

 

 

Chuck Norris = Kyle Katarn = Garrus?

 

Garrus is cool too. I've only played Mass Effect 2, but I don't have it anymore.

 

Legion

 

*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.

 

Error. 55 does not compute. 5=5. 5 in the possession of Garrus does not alter its value. WARNING; core processors overheating. Emergency shutdown in progress.

 

lol

 

 

Another Fact: Revan didn't lose his memory due to Malak's firing on his ship. No, he lost his memory due to Kyle's traveling back in time, and showing his beard.

 

(What is it with Kyle's beard?????"

 

Fact: Luke has yet to be the awesome grandmaster we want him to be because Kyle Katarn has yet to give him the gift of beard.

I resent that! Luke's my favorite! Though I have to admit "I am a Jedi! Like my father before me!" wasn't one of the best thought-out lines (his father turned to the dark side.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: There was a prophecy that the son of Katarn would be as strong as the father, Kyle decided to send his infant son to another galaxy to rule. He was rasied by earth folks, but knew of his heritage because his true father gave him a holocron. His name is Chuck Norris. (Chuck Norris is equal to Kyle, but aren't the same person.)

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: The aperture testing was designed as a training facility for Kyle and was built and used on Malachor V. It was code named The Mass Shadow Generator. It wasn't even a challenge. The Mandilorans and Republic (now turned Sith) secretly joined forces to destroy Kyle there. The event is known as the battle of Malachor V. Kyle let Revan escape because Revan would become a Jedi later. The training facility was later rebuilt on Earth, and a Portal gun was made to help the participants survive. Most didn't survive because the Portal gun is a poor imitation of the Bryar.

 

Fact: Kyle doesn't need to use portals to get around an obstacle. The obstacle gets out of his way out of fear. Unless Kyle wants to go around it, then he just walks through a wall and comes out where ever he wishes.

 

Fact: The cake is never a lie when Kyle's around. Unless someone tells you you can have Kyle's cake.

 

Fact: Kyle doesn't need a Companion Cube. His companion is The Saber, Bryar, and Jan or Mara.

 

Statement: I wish I had thought of these after playing Portal 1.

[Tyvokka 198]

Fact: Luke Skywalker isn't the true Grand Master of the Jedi, he really is just a puppet of Kyle like everyone else.