Kyle Katarn Facts

[Guest HK-47]

Statement: Some of you may be familiar with the "Kyle Katarn Facts" thread and it's predecessor the "Kyle's So Tough" thread over at the Jedi Council forums of Theforce.net located here: http://boards.theforce.net/literature/b10003/24965494/p1 and here: http://boards.theforce.net/literature/b10003/26105309/p1

 

 

Continuation: For those of you who are not familiar with, and don't have the time to read both threads (60+ pages long each) I shall post some of the best "FACTS" and keep it clean as some are pretty raunchy. You can also post some of your own "Kyle facts" as well.

 

 

Description: The back story, or idea, behind it is this: Kyle Katarn is the Chuck Norris of Star Wars. Kyle is considered the actual father of Chuck Norris. If you know of the Chuck Norris "facts", then you get the picture. This is all playing on the many awesome things that Kyle accomplished in the games and books.

 

 

 

 

 

Statement: So let's get this started and see what we can do with it.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - this occurs when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning.

 

Fact: Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn.

 

Fact: The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber.

 

Fact: The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn's so tough he could've taken on the Emperor and Vader himself, but he was to busy rebuilding Alderaan by hand.

 

Fact: There are no Unknown Regions. Just places Kyle doesn't want you to know about.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Palpatine's soul didnt jump to a clone body to escape death. He did it because Kyle was waiting for him at the bottom of the reactor shaft.

 

Statement: This is Kenobi_Kid's "How the Star Trek film series could have been improved by adding Kyle Katarn."

 

Star Trek: The Kyle Picture. The film ends an hour earlier, (saving us from long and boring footage of a giant model ship), as Kyle materializes on the bridge of the Enterprise and destroys V'gere with The Bryar Pistol. Then he kills Decker and Ilyia because they annoy him. Kirk makes a soliloquy and Spock looks on.

 

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kyle: Kyle Katarn destroys Alpha Ceti 5 out of boredom. Khan thinks it was Kirk who did it and sets off to gain revenge. He attacks Regula station and destroys it, mainly because Kyle wasn’t there. Later on, Kirk bellows the famous line; “KATAAAAAAAAARN!!” David Marcus is revealed to be Kyle’s son, not Kirk’s. Spock dies because he was annoying Kyle. Kyle destroys Kahn. Kirk makes a soliloquy.

 

Star Trek III: The Search for Kyle: Sarek reveals to Kirk that Kyle used the power of his Beard to preserve Spock’s katra, because he felt he might be of use later on in the series. David and Saavik discover a Spock-child on the Genesis world. After extensive testing they are shocked to discover that he is not related to Kyle. The Klingons arrive at the Genesis planet because they know Kyle created it, and anything created by Kyle must be a source of power. A Klingon kills David. Kirk blows up the Enterprise. Kyle blows up the entire planet.

 

Star Trek IV: The Journey to Kyle’s home: A Waru probe comes to earth looking for whales. It becomes angry that Kyle killed them all a long time ago and tries to destroy earth. Kyle takes Kirk back in time to find some whales. Despite Kyle’s best efforts the whales are released into the ocean where whalers attack them. Kyle catches the whaler’s harpoon with his teeth. Then he puts them into a tank and keeps them alive for twelve hours without water through his sheer awesomeness. The Waru probe leaves after Kyle imitates the call of the whale.

 

Star Trek V: The Kyle Frontier: Kyle’s brother takes over a small planetary colony by using the power of his beard. Even though it is not as good as Kyle’s, the power of the lesser beard enables him to steal the Enterprise. He wants to take it to the Garden of Eden where, legend has it, Kyle was created. When he gets there he discovers a very angry Kyle. The rest is obvious.

 

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Kyle: Kyle decides that he’s tired of killing Klingons and has the Federation sign a peace treaty with them. He also sends Kirk to meet the Klingons in order to pay him back for stealing all the credit over that whale incident. When the Klingon leader is murdered, Kirk gets the blame and is sent to Klingon Siberia.

Meanwhile, Kyle messes up the proceedings for fun and then makes peace with the Klingons again. And he rescues and demotes Kirk for the fun of it. Afterwards cosmic energy aligns itself to look exactly like the signitures of the actors. Astronomers everywhere are confused.

 

Star Trek VII: Kyle’s Generation: At the beginning of the film, Kirk discovers Kyle’s secret lair in the Nexus. Kyle is righteously cheesed off and banishes him to the backwoods of Iowa for the rest of his life. Forty years later, Captain Picard also attempts to find the Nexus, but instead finds Malcolm McDowell in the company of much Klingon Kleavage. Picard goes down to a planet where the Nexus will pass over and fights with Malcolm McDowell. Kirk shows up out of banishment in Iowa to help, but gets killed trying to defuse some missiles. Kyle destroys the Klingon ship and forces the Enterprise to make an emergency landing in order to showcase some cool special effects. Picard buries Kirk. Data finds his cat. Everyone goes home happy except for Kyle, who misses Kirk. Kyle decides to resurrect Kirk for a series of novels, but that’s another story.

 

Star Trek VIII: Kyle Contact: Kyle and Picard travel back in time to prevent the Borg from altering Earth’s history by destroying Zefrem Cochrane’s warp-speed vessel, The Beard, before it catches the notice of some vacationing Vulcans. Kyle ‘makes contact’ by destroying the Borg cube with a single punch, but the Borg Queen escapes to the Enterprise and attempts to seduce Data. Picard, Worf and Neil McDonough go outside of the Enterprise to fight the Borg’s on the roof. Neil McDonough gets killed, but he’s only a redshirt so the mission is considered a success. Kyle kills the Borg queen by shooting her with The Bryar Pistol’s destroy-flesh-only setting, and everybody goes back to earth for a party. Zefrem Cochrane gets the Vulcans drunk. Picard and Company go back to the future. Kyle decides to stay behind and mess up continuity by producing Enterprise. Fans everywhere are not amused.

 

Star Trek IX: Kyle’s Insurrection: Kyle discovers that a group of humans are living on a planet that makes them immortal. As he is already immortal and omnipotent, Kyle does not care. This is the shortest and most boring of all the Kyle-Trek movies.

 

Star Trek X: Nemesis of the Beard: A Romulan clone of Kyle’s beard destroys the Romulan senate and declares itself Emperor. Kyle decides not to sit still for this and takes Picard and the Enterprise to attack the clone Beard. On a side-trip he discovers B-4; a clone of Data. Kyle ponders the use of clones in this film. The Clone Beard’s ship attacks the Enterprise, and the Enterprise and a Romulan ship conveniently dragooned into action by Kyle fight back. The Romulans and the Enterprise are no match for the power of the Beard though, and Kyle attacks the Clone Beard’s vessel single-handedly, destroying most of the ship in the process before finally impaling the Clone Beard on a sharp pole. Everyone drinks copious amounts of beer to celebrate the death of franchise.

 

Then Kyle announces he will be directing Star Trek 11.

[Guest staticjoe66]

Fact: Kyle Katarn was a rather lame and not much fun to play video game character who was blown up to have blown up Puke Skywalker's God-like powers. He was no BattleMaster, he was a GumpMaster

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

Fact: Kyle Katarn shot before Han Solo and Greedo.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Kyle Katarn was a rather lame and not much fun to play video game character who was blown up to have blown up Puke Skywalker's God-like powers. He was no BattleMaster, he was a GumpMaster

 

 

Exclamation: BLASPHEMY!!!!

[Guest staticjoe66]

Puhleez--I've played the games, Katarn was a gump

[Guest HaVoKeR]

Vader never chocked anyone, it was Kyle, we didn't know that (neither did Vader) because Kyle had mercy on Vader's public image. He didnt want to let people mock on him doing that strange hand movement out of nowhere... but after he saw the prequels, Jar Jar Binks and the roleplay of Jake Lloyd, this information misteriously "leaked" between the ranks of the Jedi order.

 

Kyle is the only one who can use the dark side and never go corrupt or too angry, because the Dark Side is afraid of making Kyle too angry.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: Kyle Katarn shot before Han Solo and Greedo.

 

Compliment: Lol good one.

 

Fact: Well, my favorite all-time "Kyle-fact" is, in fact, an actual fact, coming from one of the Dark Forces novellas:

 

"An officer turned, saw Kyle, and died".

 

Canonical badassery.

[Guest HK-47]

Kyle is the only one who can use the dark side and never go corrupt or too angry, because the Dark Side is afraid of making Kyle too angry.

 

 

:rofl:

 

Fact: There are no Unknown Regions. Just places Kyle doesn't want you to know about.

 

Fact: Centerpoint Station required Anakin's fingerprints and whatnot to operate because the original Centerpoint imploded when they tried to power it by Kyle. When asked later, Kyle said it was quicker to just throw the planets from place to place.

 

Actual Fact: By the end of the Dark Trooper campaign, Kyle Katarn had killed/destroyed at lest 865 Stormtroopers, 158 Imperial Officers, 312 Imperial Commandos, 61 Trandoshans, 162 Grans, 90 Gammorean Guards, 10 Kell Dragons, 58 Dianogas, 59 Probe Droids, 83 Interrogation Droids, 35 Remotes, 73 Gun Turrets, 14 Dark Troopers Phase 1, 18 Dark Trooper Phase 2, 1 Dark Trooper Phase 3, and injured Boba Fett, bringing a total of 2034 enemies defeated on just 14 missions. And that's not using the Force.

[Guest HK-47]

Fact: When Jack Bauer wakes up screaming, it's because he was having nightmares about Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris wakes up screaming, it's because he was having nightmares about Kyle Katarn. When Kyle Katarn wakes up screaming, it's a bloodthirsty battle cry!

 

Statement: This is why you don't like Kyle staticjoe66.

 

Fact: The only reason the games exist is because Kyle is aware that they are merely the delusional creations of people who cannot comprehend just how much Imperial butt he kicks. And Kyle wants to give hope to all of us fans of his - for although he knows that there is no replacement for him - perhaps, JUST MAYBE the younger generations will have SOMETHING cool about them for experiencing an exaggeratedly weak account of his awesome life.

[Guest newbiemodder]

Fact: Kyle Katarn doesn't always drink beer, but when he does he prefers Dos Equis.

[MrPhil 58]

Fact: Everybody looks up to Chuck Norris. But then, Chuck Norris looks up to Kyle Katarn.

[Guest HK-47]

Theory: A few theories of the origin of Kyle are: “In the beginning, there was the Beard. And the Beard was with George and the Beard was George. It was in the beginning with George. All things came into being through it, and without it not one thing came into being. What has come into being in it is the ultimate being, and the ultimate being is Kyle Katarn.” – From The Bryar Pistol according to Jon Antilles

 

Theory: There's also speculation that Kyle was the "last son" of an ancient alien race, where he was originally known as "Kye-El", and jettisoned him from the planet once they realised that the sheer awesomness of being Katarn's birthplace was going to tear them asunder.

 

Theory: "Kyle Katarn is the being of legend, greater than distance or time. No need to note where He is or whence He came, only to know that... He is Kyle Katarn." – Anonymous

 

Fact: Kyle was pulled over for drunk driving once. Once. He wrote the officer a ticket. This is what it said:

 

Guilty of bothering Kyle Katarn. You will be fined with your life.

 

The next weekend, they played bagpipes and lowered an empty casket into the ground.

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

Kyle Katarn is almost exactly like a death stick - only difference being that you'll want to rethink your life BEFORE you try Kyle Katarn. NEVER try Kyle Katarn in the first place.

[Guest staticjoe66]

Statement: This is why you don't like Kyle staticjoe66.

 

 

 

No--I don't like Kyle Katarn because he was a mediocre char to play in average at best games that novel authors built up to be a Jedi of Puke Skywalker proportion, there never was anything special about Kyle Katarn especially when compared to Revan and the Exile

[Guest HK-47]

No--I don't like Kyle Katarn because he was a mediocre char to play in average at best games that novel authors built up to be a Jedi of Puke Skywalker proportion, there never was anything special about Kyle Katarn especially when compared to Revan and the Exile

 

Weary Resignation: Look, it doesn't matter whether you like him or not. I don't like Chuck Norris to death myself, but I enjoy the Jokes. If I wanted to be serious, then I'd have to say that there's no one who comes close to the power of Nihilus except the Exile. But that's not something that goes here.

 

Protest: Though I must say that thing with the Imp officer seeing Kyle and dieing is pretty sweet and out does most of what anyone else has done.

 

Warning: It is suggested that you not take these as serious facts, and enjoy the jokes that are being made before I initiate assassination protocols and start firing.

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

Funny, I never thought of Kyle Katarn being particularly blown up. This may be because I've only really ever played DFII from start to finish, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I think this quote from LiverandBacon effectively explains what badassness there is to be found in Kyle Katarn:

 

"For instance, the power of the beard explains why Kyle Katarn can hold 8 guns, all their ammo, various kinds of explosives, various ID cards and miscellanea, and a lightsaber, without any of it appearing on his person, or affecting his his speed or stamina. His powerful ability in the Force, when combined with the manly majesty of his beard (voted #1 beard of the New Republic over 13 years in a row), gives him limited access to a pocket of hyperspace. This allows him to store a theoretically infinite number of objects without consequences, by seemingly hiding them in his beard. I theorize that Revan must have also had a majestic beard, and the Exile, well, who knows what was up with that lady."

 

That aside, alot of the jokes turned out to be Chuck Norris jokes but replaced with Kyle Katarn. The better ones tend to have context in the Star Wars Universe.... and of course the more nerdy and specific they are, the funnier they are.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn has the death sentence in 12 star systems.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn is the death sentence in 20 star systems.

[Guest staticjoe66]

Warning: It is suggested that you not take these as serious facts, and enjoy the jokes that are being made before I initiate assassination protocols and start firing.

 

 

Yeah...why don't you just go ahead and do that...lemme know how that works out for you...

 

 

 

I don't like Chuck Norris to death myself, but I enjoy the Jokes

 

 

I don't find the Chuck Norris jokes at all funny and pay no attention to them

[VarsityPuppet 1,085]

Fact: Kyle Katarn knows Bao-Dur's real fate.

 

EDIT:

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn also knows who Kreia really is.

[Guest HK-47]

Funny, I never thought of Kyle Katarn being particularly blown up. This may be because I've only really ever played DFII from start to finish, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I think this quote from LiverandBacon effectively explains what badassness there is to be found in Kyle Katarn:

 

"For instance, the power of the beard explains why Kyle Katarn can hold 8 guns, all their ammo, various kinds of explosives, various ID cards and miscellanea, and a lightsaber, without any of it appearing on his person, or affecting his his speed or stamina. His powerful ability in the Force, when combined with the manly majesty of his beard (voted #1 beard of the New Republic over 13 years in a row), gives him limited access to a pocket of hyperspace. This allows him to store a theoretically infinite number of objects without consequences, by seemingly hiding them in his beard. I theorize that Revan must have also had a majestic beard, and the Exile, well, who knows what was up with that lady."

 

That aside, alot of the jokes turned out to be Chuck Norris jokes but replaced with Kyle Katarn. The better ones tend to have context in the Star Wars Universe.... and of course the more nerdy and specific they are, the funnier they are.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn has the death sentence in 12 star systems.

 

Fact: Kyle Katarn is the death sentence in 20 star systems.

 

 

 

:rofl: :rofl:

 

Statement: Yeah I know their just edited Norris jokes, and that takes away some of the comedy. I had come up with some of my own, but I can't think of any at the moment.

[Guest HK-47]

Yeah...why don't you just go ahead and do that...lemme know how that works out for you...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't find the Chuck Norris jokes at all funny and pay no attention to them

 

 

*makes the "shame on you" gesture*

[MrPhil 58]

Fact: The only reason Katarn didn't beat Desann on his first encounter was to let him "believe" he had the upper hand.

 

Fact: Katarn found that Jerec was so weak that he tought it wouldn't be fairplay to beat him without Jerec taping upon the power of the valley of the jedi.

 

staticjoe and hk-47, please restrain yourself from flaming one against another. We got that staticjoe doesn't like Katarn. You have a right to. No need to state-it anymore though... Thanks to keep civil.

[Guest HK-47]

Statement: Yes master. HK-47 is ready to serve. *Influence gained: T3-M4*

 

Fact: The reason Bao-Dur lost his arm was because he made fun of Jan's prosthetic hand. NO ONE makes fun of Jan.

 

Fact: It is said by the makers of JK:DFII that they haven't made any updates to the game because they lost the original game code. This is a lie. They didn't lose the code. They have it preserved and locked away. You can't improve Kyle. Any improvements would destroy the mortals that play the game due to the sheer awesomeness that is Kyle.

[Guest staticjoe66]

staticjoe and hk-47, please restrain yourself from flaming one against another.

 

 

Nobody is flaming anybody--how did you arrive at that conclusion? Do you even know what the word means?

[Guest HaVoKeR]

I don't like kyle either (looks backwards, fearing for my life) but i like making jokes.