Fair Strides

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Blog Entries posted by Fair Strides

  1. Fair Strides
    Well, it certainly has been a long time since I made one of these. Read through my last one, and things were certainly dire back then. Fortunately, that car accident had no lasting damage besides some scarring and the ability to pop my sternum.
    Obviously, I haven't modded in a while, or at least haven't released anything. I've been busy: college that took way longer than it should have (got my Associates in 2020 after 4 years), some programming here and there (nothing paid), general living, and of course a lot of D&D / Pathfinder throughout that time. But I'm glad to say that I have an Associate of Science - Oregon Transfer degree and I'm enrolled for the Bachelor's in the fall. COVID really delayed things, but I was fortunate to keep working as a janitor all throughout.
    However, these weren't the only reasons I was kept away from the community I know and love. By the way, I'm glad to see things didn't slow down while I was gone! Another big reason I've been away was fear. It's scary when you discover something about yourself, but you don't know how the rest of the world will react. It doesn't help when you yourself are so ignorant about it that you didn't think it was a real thing until the repressed thoughts and emotions pop up. If anyone's read the "About Me" section on my profile recently, you probably already know.
    In 2019, I realized I was transgender. It wasn't just one thing, thought, or experience that showed me; instead, it was a culmination of things from my childhood and throughout my life up till then. But like I said, that's scary. It takes a lot of time to adjust your thinking, to research and evaluate yourself. To test the waters, so-to-speak, and see what things are like in your new reality. And that was the case for most of 2019 and all of 2020. I spent my time hidden away, trying to fly under the radar and not draw attention to myself. My friends from college and my roommates knew, of course. But the outside world? No, no, no. Much too risky, of course.
    In 2021, I decided to get the ball rolling on the rest of my life. I'd spent a couple of years finding my new sense of self, recentering, and getting a new sense of style. For the most part, things have been pretty quiet. But recently, I've had some pretty good experiences re-connecting with a few of you people, and it's been wonderfully refreshing to be "back". So, I'm ready to come out of the shadows and say
    "Hi! I'm Tristan. For those of you that used to guess I was a woman... well, looks like you were right. "
  2. Fair Strides
    The jury is decidely out on the "happy" part, but today is indeed my birthday. The grand 21 milestone, where most people would get drunk, do drugs, go to a strip club, or some combination of the three and more stuff.
     
    I might drink, but won't try to get drunk, do not and have no intention of doing drugs, and I was walking past the strip club a day too early on the way to mini-golf with my brothers.
     
    No, instead I was on the receiving end of a t-bone collision as a passenger at a very bad intersection up in the hills. I can definitely say a few things I learned:
     
    1. A Honda Accord does not win against a Hummer.
    2. A glancing blow from swerving is a hell of a lot better than a steamroll.
    3. Seatbelts hurt my chest, but damn if they don't save my ass.
     
    In short, I am okay. The Honda is totalled (the Hummer impacted on the driver's front fender), the Hummer has a buckled frame from aiming for and landing in the ditch when they tried to swerve to avoid us, and everybody is sore, but no broken bones and thankfully no fatalities.
     
    I am not going to school tomorrow (but literally, that's only because the doctor recommended against it) and am spending the next few days not doing much of anything. So if anyone wants to chat on Skype or Discord, feel free; I'm not going anywhere.
  3. Fair Strides
    Well it's been a little while, hasn't it? Mostly my fault, though. Been busy with school and working on the Toolset mostly, plus there's the usual fun with DnD every week.
     
    I'm wanting to do another stream or two soon (I figure probably another US-and-then-EU session). I'm debating on continuing with the scripting because it's occurred to me that going anywhere from here requires and understanding of at the last the basic components of the game and the tools, so I might do a stream just on those subjects...
     
    I'm also not going to be able to do a Saturday or Sunday stream due to the schedule. At the very least, I can probably do a session on a Thursday night (bear in mind, I'm PST UTC - 8) and then another on the following Friday morning.
     
    What do you guys think? Should I go over the basics or keep going with the scripting? And what do you think about your schedules versus my availability? Also, if anyone ever wants to go into a particular aspect, they are always free to make the suggestion and I'll do my best to get around to it.
  4. Fair Strides
    Hi guys! It's been long enough that I've had time to go over some things and get some feedback on my previous blog post about a scripting event. I've checked my schedule and gone over some software with Xuul and I believe I have a plan now.
     
    The Scripting stream will be done twice. This is to accommodate both those in the United States with one schedule and the rest of the people (who mostly reside in the European timezones). Otherwise the timezones just don't match up (my 10AM is someone else's 6AM of the next day, to take it to the extreme).
     
    USA Zones Stream:
    Thursday, December 15th, at 5PM PST (UTC-8); this is 9PM over in New York.
     
    European + Extras Stream:
    Saturday, December 17th, at 9AM PST (UTC-8); this is anywhere from 4 to 8PM in or around Europe.
     
    This gives me several weeks to prepare material and test my equipment (I'll be PMing at least two people to help me with test streams) out to help make sure this goes off smoothly.
     
    For those that just aren't able to attend at all for whatever reason, I plan on recording at least one of the streams, editing it, and uploading it to Youtube with bookmarks for content. This would understandably be a delayed thing that might not happen until around New Year's if everything went well, so I will ask for your patience ahead of time.
     
    Once again, suggestions for any particular areas to focus on or material to go over (even examples of things to do or scenarios to work through) are welcome and appreciated.
  5. Fair Strides
    I would like this idea to see as much light as possible, so for those that see the blog and the status update (or even the Reddit entry), please show this to anyone that might be interested.
     
    I am considering looking into a platform like Discord to hold something akin to a livestream event. Except that there wouldn't be music or gameplay footage, though there could indeed be commentary.
     
    If enough people would attend, I have it in my mind to hold an event where I talk about KotOR Scripting: What it is, how to learn it, the basics, specific functions, and I would be more than happy to do examples. This would be where you can ask questions about something and get some help. It also helps me to develop material in a usable form for me to create tutorials on the subject.
     
    Let me know what you guys think and if you have any suggestions, requests, or recommendations, I'll be more than happy to hear them.
     
    Edit: Looking at some of the responses, please also post your timezone and what days of the week you believe would be available.
  6. Fair Strides

    Where Do I Begin?

    By Fair Strides,

    I don't know if these blogs have any sort of length limit, but I guess I'll find out, huh?
     
    *Warning: This might look organized at first, but I jump around and just drop a whole lot of info on you. If you are able to make sense of what I'm trying to say, then good on you.*
     
    I would welcome you to my blog and ask that you enjoy the first post I've ever made, but I'm just not in the mood for all that "happy and friendly" stuff at the moment. The truth is, I always thought my first blog post would be about my Toolset and all the things I have planned for it, with successive posts being about progress or polls for features or design and all that cool stuff. I even thought I'd be doing some cool blog posts about college near the beginning, but that at least is still a possibility. Right now I'm writing this just to clear my head, though I really have no clue how many people are even going to see this.
     
    This just isn't the kind of thing I normally do, okay? Normally I don't make small talk or chit-chat, don't get long-winded about myself or god forbid I talk about my feelings. It's just not my usual style, but I'm in a mood that I can only describe as "very weird" twice now and I don't even know why. Usually I'm a fanatic for self-control and self-awareness, prizing those two things right up there at the top of my priority list; come to think of it, they're right next to dignity. I'm sitting here typing all of this out and I just don't feel anything besides the normal mild headache (we'll get to that), a little empty from hunger because I haven't eaten all day (should probably do something about that, but I'm almost out of money, so it has to wait until I get home in around two hours), and too warm because I'm still sitting with the blanket on me.
     
    I don't know how this will be received by all of you. And it's usually one of those many things I think about doing and then end up not doing, but right now I'm in a major "I don't care, I'm doing it" attitude and who knows if I'll look back and think "I shouldn't have posted that." *sigh* I guess I'll get to the point now that I've already lost half of you that clicked the link.
     
    *later bit here: I go on a bit of a tangent, so if you want to get to the current stuff, use Control-F and search for "And here I am, still working away at doing nothing."*
     
    I started modding back around November 7th, 2011. I knew nothing about computers besides how to type and click stuff (and play games, of course). Fast forward two or three months; In January, I've moved to Missouri to live with dad and I've gotten a D in my math class (my fault for not contacting the teacher; this was an online class) and really starting to figure out that my dad is an asshole. Oh, and I was banging my head against the keyboard trying to figure out scripting. And dad was practicing the usual "how to put down a woman and make yourself superior" routine because he's a real man and can walk the walk (please tell me you can hear the sarcasm...).
     
    Another five months and I've gotten more experience with modding and can navigate KotOR Tool pretty well. I've also been playing the games and enjoying the mods. I'm starting to actually have conversations with the other modders and feel like I'm fitting in. Come August and my brother shows up to visit (he moved in with Mom around September or October 2011). Everything's going great until dad goes off the deep end again with the vodka and my brother and I are in the bedroom playing videogames to ignore the belligerent jackass raging up and down the hall. *sigh* Then my brother went back to Oregon and I went back to my routine. I was usually spending eight or more hours a day engrossed in something KotOR, whether it was the forums, the tutorials, playing the games, or modding itself.
     
    Then I beta-tested the pre-beta version of the beta of the public beta of The Jedi Masters 2.0 for Trex and lost my internet for about two weeks. I was cut off and forced to learn a lot about modding in a real quick hurry to be able to finish TJM when things broke. This was actually a good experience for me, as it helped give me a lot of the basis for what I know today. And then in November I started spending a few days learning the programming language Perl and was working with KotOR Save Editor (what most probably know as "KSE"). Things had been heating up between me and dad this whole time. I yelled at him in the kitchen while he was drunk (I was actually yelling that I was on his side), he took one step in my direction, and then I was running (I honestly believe quite literally for my life) away for a few hours before I got sent back home by a friend (no, I don't blame the friend; he was just doing what he honestly believed was right). And before this incident I came home and found them drunk (they had been out of alcohol when I had left a few hours previously) and I got mad. I called a different friend to come get me for the night and then threw a note toward my dad as I went out the door. I should add that I was 16 and not exactly the brightest at forward thinking.
     
    Next day I got taken from school by dad, brought out to the backyard, and shoved up against a building while dad looked my right in the eye and said we were either going to duke it out (fight) or he was going to thrash me in the pool behind us. In the end, I didn't fight and I didn't go for a possibly-fatal dip in the pool. But after that I made firm steps to get my ass out of there and I left over Thanksgiving. I also was out of modding and mostly away from the community for the next... 8 or 9 months until I got a laptop from Mom.
     
    Then I helped LDR with a few projects and enjoyed some nice chats. He was helping ZM90 with some stuff for K1R and ZM90 was in need of a scripter. So my name was submitted and I agreed because I was bored. Oh boy, what a ride that started. Mom's boyfriend was just as bad as dad, except in a few different ways and he was most of the time sober. So while I worked on K1R and made some cool tool or other that is broken half a dozen ways, I also had to put up with him and graduating from high school. I eventually did and was making steady progress on K1R until the summer hit. Then I went into a slump and didn't do a whole lot of modding until around August. I was also fighting trying to get stuff from Fallen Guardian and ZM90 was trying but not really helping a whole lot. I had found out later that LDR was only a temporary helper and not a full-time guy.
     
    We finally got K1R 0.9 released and we got rushed with a lot of reports and bugs. I dealt with it okay and did the work to get K1R up to 1.0. And I've done the same with 1.1 and 1.2. Almost all of the work was me, Fair Strides the work-horse (self-admitted), with the exception of testing fixes, bugs, and compiling lists of stuff, which was done by ZM90. But I'm the big workhorse; always have been. Part of it's just my nature, my diligence, but a lot of it's been my conditioning. Conditioned by dad that playing video games means I'm lazy. Conditioned by Mom's boyfriend that doing nothing but laying around and watching TV means I'm lazy. Conditioning that reinforced my nature, my diligence and sense of perfection in my work, and makes it so I work my ass off on the task at hand, no matter if it's modding, programming, cleaning the house that my "aunt" leaves in a constant mess, or working outside on lifting, carrying, cleaning, and helping my uncle and grandpa out.
     
    And here I am, still working away at doing nothing. I haven't programmed in months, my modding is taking a nose-dive, I was absent from DS for a week and for the most part didn't notice, even though I hated not replying to the PMs. I know more about the KotOR engine than almost anybody else in this community, have helped out an astounding number of people (I never did count how many times people have mentioned me in read-mes, but there's also my post count), and yet I can't even string a dialog together and have tried several times to write tutorials.
     
    I've been here five years (almost), have risen to be one of the best around, and in a metaphorical sense I'm now feeling old and tired, spent. I can still help and I still do small tasks, but you won't see me crusading a project. I can't write my own tutorials even though I know so much, and I'm on the computer way too much. Almost daily I deal with headaches. Most of the time they are mild ones that stick in one spot, but they last for so long. There's a general blanket over my mind and I don't feel like doing much. I also have really bad motivation issues.
     
    I don't know what this means for me in the long run, but I know that I feel tired and that I'm almost useless at the moment. I don't plan on running out on anything I'm currently working on if I can avoid it, but I might end up taking a back seat on a lot of it. I know I need to be on the computer less and get out more. I hope I can get out more when the FAFSA comes in for school, but that just leads to a whole swarm of issues, all of which involve socializing.
     
    How do you people do it? Most of the time I'm not really in touch with most of my emotions and I've gotten good at suppressing stuff. But how do you people just walk up to a stranger and talk to them? Does it matter to you if you're talking to a guy or a girl, because it absolutely makes a difference for me. I like people, really I do, but I don't like trying to get to know them, that initial time where you're both just strangers. And when I do get to know someone, things go much better if they're a guy. If it's a girl, I know jack nothing about anything. A friend of mine once said I was kind, considerate, and caring enough that if I just tried, I could probably get a girl. But nowadays, if you try to act like that, you get labelled a creep or a stalker because it's not natural for a guy to be so nice to a stranger...
     
    I really should stop rambling. I'm rambling so much I don't even care that I've said things I probably should have kept to myself. :| To anyone who has read this far, thanks for taking the time. I don't blame you if you can't make sense of what I've written, so I'll try to sum it up below:
     
    1. I'm moody and have issues.
    2. I'm tired...
    3. It's not you guys, it's me that's the problem.
    4. I won't give up the projects I'm already on, but I won't be as big a presence around here for a whie.
  7. Fair Strides
    Hello guys! I'm not sure who all just glances at the front page and doesn't read everything, so I'm repeating here the edit to the news article:
     
    The EU Scripting Livestream will be held on Saturday January 7th at 9AM PST (UTC-8).
     
    This is very much delayed from the US stream and I hope to avoid this long gap in the future, so I apologize for those of you who have had to wait. I hope you're still interested enough to drop by.
     
    PS: I know I keep saying the EU stream, but this is available for anyone to see. It's just mostly targeted at the EU timezones.