A little catching up to do...
So, I have been away from the community for a while, and I feel kinda guilty about it. But, at the risk of going a little bit into my personal life (and sorry there has not been any modding in it at all lately,) I would like to share some of what happened in probably what has been a world changing time for me.
First, a little bit of background information. Most of my family are very conservative, fanatical Christians, they are Jehovah's Witnesses. As a JW, you are not supposed to associate with non-JW's, and you completely shun former JW's. Since I was 14, I lived with my father, and was a devout JW. for about 5 years I was very active in the church (cult.)
So, as the story goes, you'll see why this has made my life extremely tumultuous of late. about one year ago, I met my best friend, also a witness, we would spend all day talking to each other, until the wee hours of the morning. We had so many things in common, goals, dreams, interests. we just had so much fun together. Eventually we fell in love. I remember how the feeling changed me, I couldn't focus, it was like I was drunk 24/7. all I could think about was us.
Normally, it's a good thing to fall in love, for us, it was a curse. Because, I loved him, and he loved me, and well, we were gay. This is something that was extremely forbidden. If we were found out, it would mean losing our family, friends, and our entire social system.
I remember being suicidal so many times growing up, because I tried to be someone I wasn't. I tried to be straight. But there is no decision involved. When I met him, my view of life changed, it was worth while. I had someone who knew me, the real me. And, instead of hating me, he loved me just the way I was. We had been in a relationship for about one month, when our friends started to suspect that we were more then good friends. My friend dated me to hide my real relationship, ( she knew what was really going on, and she offered to help.)
Eventually, my boyfriend proposed to me. It had been so hard, because when you meet someone who makes you so happy, so proud to be alive and you just want to share them with the world. I wanted to tell my parents. So, I told my step mom, I came out to her. she was horrified and cried for a long time. She had said she would let me tell my father, but she couldn't hold it in. My father cried, and cried, and cried. he eventually called the church elders, they tried to "pray away the gay." I was so stressed, because I wouldn't give my boyfriends name away, but they were threatening to excommunicate me ( remember what I said about how JW's treat ex-JW's...) I never gave his name up. But my step mother called all of my friends to see if they could figure out who it was, eventually they found him. And then, he left me, he told me that he didn't want to make god sad anymore, he felt guilty about loving me, he said he wanted to live forever in god's kingdom, (think of it like a JW heaven.)
I have never been so low in my life, the church was going to expel me, I was going to lose everything, my family, my friends. everything. and then i had lost the most important person I had ever met. I was hospitalized for two weeks for suicide. the next week after i was out of the hospital, they kicked me out. My parents packed my room and told me to find somewhere to sleep. I had no money, no job, no friends, nothing. my dad said I wasn't welcome in his house. my grandmother said she doesn't know who I am anymore. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my little brother. They are all so brainwashed in their cult. I lost my boyfriend to the indoctrination too.
Although it is tough, like everyone you know acting like you don't exist. I have never been so alone. I saw my dad the other day, and he didn't even look at me, he walked right by like i was a stranger. Eventually I reconnected with an exJW I knew from when I was young, and she took me in, and my boyfriend woke up from his indoctrination, we are back together now, and he should be moving in shortly. I started making new friends, I celebrated my first birthday, my first Halloween, my first pride, I have a lovely job. I now live on my own, and I am completely independent, I have a Huge interest in doing drag, and I love drag queens. Hopefully I can find the time to do some more modding now, but my life is still settling, so we'll see if I can manage it.
Anyways, I guess that's an extremely condensed version of the last 6 months of my life.